Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.

   just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

   Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.

   Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!

   Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction 

   On the Tim Hortons roll up, "please play again" ..I scribbled it out and returned it to the manager, replacing it with "please let me win" she gave me back my cup and hit the red button.."YOU'RE A WINNER" then she said "NOT!" and laughed at me!

   it's lonely at the bottom too.

   You know you took a good picture of someone when they use it as their default pic or timeline cover.

   No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.

   People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.

   Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.

   There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.

   You can pretend you're in an episode of The Walking Dead by skipping coffee for a few days.

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.