Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions

   To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

   I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   N!gg@h please. You no g@ngster, you too black, you a Thug..

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   If I hit the $500 Million remind me to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes

   psychology suggests that religious people are categorized in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. If you want to be sure, google it.

   Roses are red violets are blue...it's Friday night and I'm sick of stating the obvious to you

   F I win the..$US- 640 mega millions JACKPOT..Im Building a Death Star..well down payment to start it any ways..!!

   Oh so...they taking money made from Gas to give it to the winner of the MegaMillion Lottery!! Aint that some sh!t!!!

   Cab to go to bar: 30 dollars 4 rounds of beer to get your friend to tell you your ex is now a stripper: 70 dollars The look on your ex's face when you shove a single in her buttcrack: PRICELESS!