Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking at boobs make men live longer, that's why some women don't like it when we look at them.

   Lebron Hairline Don't Respect Him

   Y.O.C.O. = You're Only Cute Online

   I wear a mouthguard while I sleep. I don't grind my teeth, I just have a lot of enemies.

   Its a damn pity that when someone says, "Imma get mine," usually they're not talking about a diploma.

   Dear Chubby Chasers. Lucky for you, they're not hard to catch.

   I hope you had a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

   My GF did something last night with her mouth that all men love. She shut it.

   Christianity is a complete waste of time and resources.

   Just won the lotto but can't find my ticket

   OH MY LORD!! I nearly sat on the toilet without my android...

   I was skeptical at first so I waited to see if the hype was true. And I'll have to say this was a good Friday....... 

   My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.

   It's only a matter of time until Facebook adds “friend-zoned” as a relationship status.

   For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!

   Best prank call ever: "Hello, Dominos?"... "Yes, how may I help you?"... "What's the number to call Pizza Hut?"

   Word of Advice: No matter what city you live in, no matter where you travel, there will always be douche bags there.

   I guess killer bees have taken a back seat since pit bulls are roaming the streets.

   I am in no condition to talk about you're feelings(I'm a man)

   I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.