Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.

   It's only a matter of time until Facebook adds “friend-zoned” as a relationship status.

   For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!

   Best prank call ever: "Hello, Dominos?"... "Yes, how may I help you?"... "What's the number to call Pizza Hut?"

   Word of Advice: No matter what city you live in, no matter where you travel, there will always be douche bags there.

   I guess killer bees have taken a back seat since pit bulls are roaming the streets.

   I am in no condition to talk about you're feelings(I'm a man)

   I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.

   When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.

   My status makes others look like tweets, my profile picture is a work of art, I am quite simply the most interesting man on Facebook

   You make me hold it for 250 miles, good luck on the last twenty feet A$$HOLE!-Bladder

   Earlier today Donald Trump crashed his yacht into my yacht... We laughed & laughed,,,, & then we smoked some money

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   everybody knows the real good friday is in two weeks 4/20

   Of the seven deadly sins, I consider Dopey the worst.

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   Went to the playboy mansion today got a real BUNNY..!!

   she knows that some people never have to worry about hemorrhoirds, because they are perfect a**holes.

   Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one

   No is the saddest experience you'll ever know..