Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   I wonder if that McDonald's in Saint Louis is ever going to finish their giant sign...?

   Liking" a picture at 2AM on Facebook is more like "I would LIKE to have sex with you.

   theres nothing hotter than when a guy stares at my cleavage amd I pretend to get offended....

   Theres nothing hotter than when guys stare at my cleavage while I pretend to be offe ded

   I just had to unfriend someone on FB; she played too many games.

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot

   there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.