Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm

   When god created china he knew he would never have to make anything else again.....

   Roses are red; foxes are clever. I love your butt; let me touch it forever.

   My drug dealer cracks me up.

   Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is, "What should Justin Bieber's next career move be?"

   To the guy next to me at the rest-area urinal...The fact that you still have your sunglasses on kinda creeps me out.

   throwing fertilizer at people who need to grow up

   Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   I never figured "HECK" is a combination of Hell and Fcuuk.

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back.

   Going to the homeless shelter today...not really sure if I want to adopt one unless they assure me that its housebroken.

   Mr Wilson should of just filed for a restraining order against Dennis the Menace..problem solved

   Those kids who cant find the Totino pizza rolls in the empty freezer, then leave the phone in the freezer deserve to starve to death

   fake freckles and pigtails doesnt necessarily make a 40 year old "barely legal"

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   Can officially include rescue operations on my resume after I saved a bug from a spider web

   when I grew up, no one chased their dogs to pick up their crap, we waited until it turned to white powder and disappeared

   Jessica Simpson had her baby. Apparently, Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store