Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.

   My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

   price of the most expensive premium gas on 4/16/2012 - California: $4.472 per gallon ************* price of the CHEAPEST gas (natural 95) in Europe: 1.6 EUR per liter = 3.785 EUR per gallon = $5.00 per gallon....... who should be complaining now?

   The best way to get over a girl is get under a different one....

   When I need a friend, you're there.. When I'm lonely, you're there.. When I'm afraid, you're there.. When I need help, you're still there.. Dammit! When the f*ck will you come over here?? You're always there!!

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔My right hand.

   I gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question. I replied, "Depends."

   Two Way Monologue - The normal in any relationship

   What to do when you're wrong: a) admit you're wrong, b) make adjustments, c) move along.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   In America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   After last night's drunken escapades, I'd think my friends should have had better judgement than to be friends with me.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone...."k" FUUUUUUU!

   You're inspirational Facebook update: ❒Inspires me. ✔Wastes my time. ✔ Inspires me to unfriend you.

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone.