Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...

   You don't have to be perfect to be useful....the rusty nail still holds the roof on.

   Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.

   The pretty girl may get the husband....but the nice girl gets the best man.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."

   Why do you have to go so slowly over a "speed" bump?

   It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times

   When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

   ah, Friday! My second favorite "F" word!

   If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."

   Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

   If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

   Some girls are like a blunt... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!

   I ain't doing s$it today. ☑ Mission accomplished.

   Relationships are like garage sales: At a distance it looks like it could be interesting...up close it's just a ton s$it you don't need!

   If you Spend more time with your boys than you do with your girlfriend.YOU GAY!

   My turtle ran away last month.... I'm heartbroken... I tried talking him out of it the entire 2 weeks it took him to reach the sidewalk.

   I was told to seek help today,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Fair enough,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, help