Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

   To be fair, most marriages are pretty gay.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   King Kong has everything on me!

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.

   Boy, pregnant women don't like to be called "b!tches" at ALL!

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   My husband's birthday is in a few days and as a gift to him I am taking the date rape drug.

   We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'