Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.

   Ugh, I hate my voice on tape. It always sound so r@cist.

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over.

   In the garage looking at my step ladder - wondering why my real ladder left me when I was only five.

   Why would you stay friends with your ex? When you get fired from a job, you don't stick around and watch other people do your job.

   Quick! Somebody come up with a Donna Summer post, because according to reports, Summer won't be coming around any more.

   SO! My Dr tells me I have to take medication. Why? To stop you from slapping people who should be on medication. Hmmmm!

   I know how the Chinese name their kids....they throw a bunch of silverware out the window.

   BREAKING NEWS - Bomb disposal experts in Brazil had to evacuate a sold out Lady Gaga concert due to a suspicious package on stage.....

   No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook

   Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home

   Del Taco, macho size. Because sometimes you just need 6 pounds of fries in a bucket.

   Woman says: "Be honest with me"... Man hears: "Lie convincingly, or you'll be stuck talking about this for the next hour and a half; then every other week for the next six months; then, whenever she's mad/happy/bored and feels like bringing it up again.."

   For some people, being able to speak 5 different langauges just means they can be annoying in 5 different languages.

   Facebook: A social media website that will continually remind you how stupid some of your "friends" really are...

   Don't tell anyone, but I just farted...lets keep it our little secret.

   I'll save a kid from drowning in a pool, unless I'm wearing a really nice dry clean only outfit.

   I am surprised nobody has thought of inventing sleeping pills for toddlers.

   I saved a life today.... I asked a beggar, "How would you feel if I gave you 10,000 in cash?" He replied," I would die of happiness!" So I didn't give him any money I saved a life