Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   note to self.... on the night your wife turns 33... she is not TWICE as flexible as a 16 1/2 year old...

   The famous 39lbs cat named Meow has died... When reached for comment Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid said Meow's death is CLEARLY a result of the Republicans WAR on CATS!

   The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved

   You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.

   So facebook is now making Poke suggestions. And it could be anything on your friends list. God knows I've always wanted to f**k the s**t out of McDonald's.

   Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing.

   The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.

   Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...

   Like if you ever had High School friends hook you up that worked at fast food places.

   My grandma fell on the floor, And it ended up being longer than 5 seconds,,, so we're gonna have to let her go.

   :Men, we all know the real reason there's always one missing sock. Shame. That's why.

   The number one rule in life "stay in your own lane "and there won't be any accidents.