Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   part of a rally rallying for more jobs...I don't get why the police singled me out just because I had the word "blow" before "job" on my placard!

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.

   I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.

   Okay, I have a confession to make. About 15 years ago, on a warm Saturday afternoon, just for a few moments, I stopped believing. Please don't tell Journey!!

   a riddle inside an enigma, wrapped in a warm flour tortilla.

   When I was growing up, my parents always told me "If you don't have something interesting to post on Facebook, don't post anything at all." Or, something like that....

   Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.

   Some People can be so horrible...to look at.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   I dream of a world where bl@ck men buy smaller pants and wh!te men buy bigger shirts so we don't have to see all those boxers and beer guts.

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.