Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahh, Memorial Day. A day when we all stop working, start drinking and burn food in honor of our military who, coincidently, have to work…

   It's a tie...America 2...Towel He@ds 2

   I say that anyone who messes with America, is gonna get a good dose of Red, White, Black and Blue!

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name

   My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket.

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player.

   Just got my hearing test results back. Turns out I am deaf to a range in which women complain.

   The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

   Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.

   Have you ever wanted to tell some one "Maybe you should eat some make-up so you can be pretty on the inside?"

   Whenever I hear about bad things happeneing to Clairvoyants and Psychic`s I just think why did`nt you see that coming ?

   Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..

   Do not READ this status. Thanks

   Finally There is a solution to get rod off Timeline. Go to youtube search on How to remove timeline and click on the second link.

   If god didn't want us smoking weed, then why the f*%k did he put THC in it?

   Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.

   I like being in a long term relationship, because she knows what I like and I know what she……..won't do.

   Technologically, I'm at that dangerous age. I'm old enough to mess everything up, and not young enough to fix it.

   Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it's already embarrassed you.