Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   Sigh...It's that time of the year to breakout the razor and stop looking like sasquatch! Ladies, you know what I mean!

   I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!

   There's no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.

   I was raised by two really amazing parents, so you can only imagine how much work I had to do to turn out to be this $@^#&! of a person.

   “I can park here because my hazards are on.” Seems legit.

   Instead of a fox, I would have had the Carfax mascot be a fax machine.

   I almost caused an accident trying to open a piece of candy. Can you imagine dying over a Lemon Starburst? #ultimatefail

   I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

   This salad bar sucks. I must've had like 10 shots of this “Italian Dressing” and I'm not the slightest bit drunk.

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.

   "Sorry, you're not my type." "WELL YOU'RE NOT MY SPECIES."

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   Becareful, the only reason some people decide to get married is just so they can start blaming someone else for their disaster of self.

   You see a lovely group of friends at a dinner party, I see a bunch of people being forced to hold in their farts.

   I remember when The Miss USA Pageant used to mean something! Wait, no, I'm thinking about the Pulitzer. Sorry,enjoy the boobies.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.