Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   trying to figure out the Euro debt crisis but it's all Greek to me...

   I wish the cast of Jersey Shore had to compete in the Hunger Games.

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   I'm convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower is either 80+yrs. Or has drugs in their car...

   WAIT.... So the suicide hotline is only for prevention?,, and not for nominating people to kill themselves?.. Well this sucks,,, I filled out a list and everything.

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."

   I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.

   FACT: Couples who don't have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.

   a mute's dream job to be a mime?

   I almost felt strongly about something today but then I saw a duck

   Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real".....

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.