Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.

   Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's drunk texts.

   I have way more eye contact with my computer screen than I do with any humans.

   oh hey Sobriety! no thanks, it's Saturday! Maybe you'll have better luck on Monday...

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best.

   I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my girlfriend at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a d$ck!"

   I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...

   I've never smoked Hookah, but I've been told it tastes exactly like not getting laid.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.

   A perfect relationship is one which the only thing you fight about is who gets to hold the camera when you're fvcking...

   Am I the only one that doesn't get that "2 iPhones walk in a bar" joke?

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.

   fired up for another beautiful earth spin into darkness! Who's with me??

   Its a Stripper on Stage with a Hospital Bracelet on! This B1tch discharged herself to come make it Clap Tonite!

   This B1tch got "SNGL MOM" on her License Plates.. Basically she just gave up on Love all together!

   They need a Show called Bait Coochie.. Have a Chick laying there Butt-Naked and see if N1ggas walk up & try to stick it in!

   Females be killing me with that Trey Songz is my Baby Daddy! ...B1TCH that n1gga don't even know you exist, shut cho lonely @ss up!

   Cop cars should play the jaws theme song