Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

   Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

   If I've learned anything from listening to world news, it's that the world is full of countries I've never even heard of.

   Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

   living in a van down by the river!

   has found my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   Waring: This is Not a joke - The Gonorrhea Apocalypse Is Near.

   If you lost $10,000.00 dollars, all hundreds, held together in a roll with a rubber band, give me a call. I found your rubber band. You just need to identify it.

   Tip: To avoid butterflies in your stomach,,, don't eat caterpillars.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.

   If we're gonna take this relationship to the next level, at some point you'll have to loosen my straps

   golf is about "strokes" & "balls"...if that isnt a gay sport, idk what is

   While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window... and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?

   Why be fake when being real takes no effort at all?

   I'd much rather have a sex tapeleak of me leak out, than see a video of me running in flip flops

   Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

   The cast of 16 & pregnant are the future cast of 32 & grandparents

   Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   am sorry boss, I know I said I'd do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.