Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..

   When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

   Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward: Your ringtone being, "I Will Survive"

   I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an Ass!"

   This cute guy I met just texted that he wants to "hang out" tonight, but he lives in the Valley & I made him up.

   've always wondered why W is called Double U, when it's clearly Double V...

   Just for the sake of argument, let's say I'm right about everything.

   Mirror - "Ooh you look cute today!" Camara - "Lol, no."

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.

   I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.

   When it comes to fighting let`s just say I have lightning-like reflexes…. I hit the ground fast.

   I did it in bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession.

   I was at a restaurant last night and I thought I saw a family praying at the table. It turned out they were only texting.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..

   I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.

   I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.