Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shave my pubic hair for the same reason I don't put garnishes on food. It's not polite to make people push things aside to keep on eating.

   What? Wait! You mean you can log out?

   It's all fun and games until she starts putting the dots at the end of her messages, you then know you've said something wrong.

   "You must behave yourself when you are in the presence of a lady" - me talking to my d!ck

   What's with women and emotions? Whenever I find myself getting emotional, I just drink Vodka and I am cured.

   They need to invent a pill that gives me incredible bouts of energy without any of the seizures.

   I wanted to eat something sweet with a hole in it for breakfast, but I had to settle for a donut.

   The biggest problem with stupid people is that they don't know they're stupid.

   Anybody that says I'll steal your heart, mind, love etc. you definitely aren't allowed in my house. And you will be frisked for knives.

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!

   The older I get, the more the term 'douchebag' applies to everyone younger than me.

   When I'm hungry, I call you. When I'm horny, I call your friend.

   I'm too self centered to be a stalker.

   My back is sore like I had a night of awesome sex, my b0ner reminds me I didn't.

   I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

   I hate mosquitoes, they're like nature's version of a Jehovah's Witness..........

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   I don't always like to stroke a cat, but when I do it's always a pu$$y.

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.