Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I won't protect you, but I will lay in bed next to you telling you what I think is making those freaky noises.

   Do these throbbing jugulars, twitching temples & clenched jaws look 'calm' to you? Body language is key.

   Seen it, done it, can't remember most of it.

   Had to stop suddenly, and almost got "Sandusky'd" by the car behind me!

   I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.

   I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately

   I once masturbated so hard I went temporarily deaf. Couldn't even hear the guy sitting next to me on the train ask for his hand back.

   When you ladies aren't home, us guys use your d!ldos to mix paint and do manly stuff with it, like put it to our Adams Apple and make prank calls.

   When you try and help an a$$hole out, all you're going to get is sh!t in return.

   I made a big mistake on my first night in prison. Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside.

   Whenever I really try to focus on staying focused I get less stuff done because I'm too focused on being focused.

   I'm supposed to be sore and bruised from sex, not manual labor.

   Looks like ''Assdusky'' is going to be happy now! Lots of younger men, and for a long long time! Enjoy that Comfy bed!!!

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   Women claim to watch movies for the intellectual content.... please explain Magic Mike. It hasn't even been released yet, and I'm scared to sit in theater seats!

   Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the JURK wisperer.

   I find it suspicious that everyone's personal god has the same beliefs as they do.

   Here's wishing #Sandusky gets the "Jeffrey Dahmer" special

   It's ANYWAY. Not ANYWAYS. Seen the mistake too many times.

   Don't take life too seriously. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at yourself. If not call me, I'll be glad to laugh at you :D