Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.

   Just stubbed my toe on life

   Never lasts longer than forever.

   Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I've got both covered.

   I haven't yet met someone who shares my idea of what love really is.

   I age my single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.

   May your enemies know the sound of a smattering of applause.

   I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.

   I can get as down and dirty as you need...I'm washable.

   If getting people to love you by dangling them over an eternal pit of hell fire is wrong, I don't want to be right.

   It takes exactly 14 Kitkats to make you pass out from a sugar overdose.

   These press on towels are rubbish,,, its taken three to dry one arm,,!

   "That's" - She.

   Hey God, Would you please test me to see if I could handle being rich?

   "Oh my gosh! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?" - spiders

   I'm on that “Starts tomorrow” diet...... Everyday!!

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.

   I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.

   Sometimes I ask her a question when I already have the info just to see if she lies. Then she shows why I can't trust her.