Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   Magic Mike? - on my way to see Magic Gina at the gentleman's club.

   Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting a divorce...Now it's Katies turn to jump up and down on Oprah's couch.

   just excited I can start wearing heels again. - Katie Holmes

   Mission Impossible 5: Marriage

   so excited I'm jumping up and down on a couch now. - Katie Holmes

   Why do camels have v@ginas on their feet anyway?

   now the jumping on Oprah's couch professing my love for Katie is even embarrassing to me. - Tom Cruise

   I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a status update but is now my suicide note.

   I miss having a girlfriend. I get so tired of listening to whatever music I want, on road trips to wherever I want to go, with zero guilt.

   How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I wonder if Tom Cruise is jumpin on the couch again since he's getting a divorce.

   I dont have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebooks, its the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.

   "Magic Mike"? They should call it what it really is. "Magic Johnson".

   Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones.

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

   Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce