Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin

   I'm not saying shes a hoe, but shes taken more loads than a washing machine.

   What's the worlds longest sentence? .... I do.

   Whenever I see a girl in a glittery shirt I think to myself, "Ooh! What a sparkly nightmare of need."

   I know it's hot but a crackhead just tried to sell me a ceiling fan. No really...

   Noticed a fly stuck to the back of my girlfriends maxipad in the trash, so I hung them all over the house as flystrips. Won't she be surprised at how smart I am :D

   I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.

   Sometimes the best people to spill your heart to are total strangers. I love you guys.

   Ladies: Invest in men's weakness. Buy sexy lingerie.

   I'm the least productive after lunch. My metabolism protests against any form of physical or intellectual effort. The boss doesn't get it.

   The date was over when you asked me to follow you on Twitter.

   My 3yr old doesn't like onions on his donut! Onions= shredded coconut!

   I did NOT pee my pants! I was marking my territory. These pants are MINE!

   The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

   Ham and Eggs:: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   People who believe in God shouldn't be allowed to complain about the weather.