Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I buy a box of condoms I always look the cashier in the eyes and say ''Where's your fitting room?!''

   throwing steak on the walls, hoping to create a unique world map.

   woke up on the wrong side this morning, but then went indoors.

   reading Mein Kampf and training the cat in racial purity.

   I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.

   Maybe we should put the NCAA in charge of the Catholic Church too.

   what's the difference between your wife and your job? after a couple of years your job still sucks.

   when is an elf not an elf? when she's giving oral sex she's a goblin.

   what's the definition of "egghead" it's what mrs.dumpty gives to humpty

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   THONY DEVITO 07/17/2012 No matter how busy I am, I always manage to make room in my life to get unreasonably angry when an update I'm proud of gets no reaction.

   "Val Kilmer really was the best Batman." ~Nobody, not even Val Kilmer

   Are you tired of being fat and ugly?..just stay ugly and join the gym !!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. A little bit gross and I wouldn't recommend them to my friend for fear of judgement.

   Listen, gorgeous... I love you so much I would suck out the venom if a poisonous snake bit you on the ass. But, I'm sorry, I won't swallow.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   My boss isn't paying me enough to have to work this hard at wasting time.

   I don't want to brag, but lately I've been getting A LOT of attention from a Nigerian prince!