Funny Status Messages

   We become what we most hate. So I'll apologize now for eventually playing for the Cowboys

   What's black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.

   Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.

   Sometimes I'll just go through the internet "liking" sh*t and I don't always really mean it.

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? WRONG! It was Team Rupert.

   Tough guys who were their sunglasses on the back of heir heads are just covering up their gay eyes that check out other guys dongs behind them.

   I just spelled something so badly that autocorrect shot milk out of it's nose.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   If I could fly, I'd probably still just sit around and complain alot.

   "Ugh...I get one CALL?? Can I please just text someone?" ~me in prison

   I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch...You have to try the Chick on Chick sandwich...

   A gentle breeze blowing through my neigbors windchime collection is the perfect background soundtrack for me taking a dump in his yard.

   Have you guys ever had sex sober? It's actually kind of gross.

   I am glad McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs! I would hate to order a McWeiner!...And don't even get me started on Super Size!!!

   Staringat his blood covered hands muttering, "what did I do for this Klondike bar?".

   Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

   I just saved a bunch of money on toilet paper by shaving my a$$hole.

   I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It would be cool if Chick-Fil-A replaced the muppet toys with boy scout action figures.......

   Am I the only one who's never seen a pizza delivery girl??