Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"...."Sticks?" I replied.

   My dad worked on the roadwork?s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there

   In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ar5e and said " give me your phone number sexy " I said " have you got a pen " she smiled and said " yes " I said " well feck off back to it,before the farmer notices your missing

   No Facebook. I don't want to poke that person back. Now, if you give me an option to slap someone, I will take you up on that

   Reportedly, there are many trucking jobs that no one wants. Attn trucking Industry: make trucking more like the battle at the end of Mad Max II.

   terrorists are starting to get worried coz Americans have now started to steal their jobs

   I'm rich and drive a space shuttle to work! its true check my christianmingle.com profile you cant lie on there cuz jesus runs it

   You ever look at someone and think that there should've been "one child left behind"?

   I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us "Honky" one more time!

   "Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.