Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!

   I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.

   If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...

   Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.

   It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.

   Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.

   Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me.

   I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.

   Chick-fil-a has been taking alot of heat for it's stance against Same Sex Marriage! To show they are progreesing with trhe times,they I'll be releasing a new food item today. The ''Chick on Chick'' Sandwich!

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one?

   Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

   You can't control love. That's the best and worst part of it.

   Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   May the best drugs win..... London2012

   I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.

   I don't remember what I got arrested for but I do remember the female cop complimenting my buns of steel.

   My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked

   You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...