Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   Now..a cheaper way to express your love...----E-cards !

   I can't believe the hookers you see on COPS ever..ever..get a customer..mmmm lesions

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.

   How about we put Sandusky and the Colorado shooter in the same cell, and turn out the lights?

   If I hear one more foreigner accusing us of having a "culture of violence" I'm gonna blow their brains out.

   I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!

   I have a friend whose status says "suicidal standing on edge of cliff'.... I poked him.

   "Don't kid yourself" Would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.

   How can ANYONE defend the Theater killer saying "he had every right to do what he did, blah blah blah?!" Are these people out of their minds? I think so!

   Before ou diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by a$$holes!!!

   The NCAA should allow Penn State to continue playing football, but their scores shouldn't be reported for 15 years.

   Every time something like this BATMAN thing happens, the yanks try to take the guns off the people who were not doing the shooting. Just saying, the rest of the world!

   I was arrested for indecent exposure, but, sadly, released for lack of evidence.

   As I was sitting in church this morning I thought of a hilarious joke. I started laughing out loud not realizing we were in prayer. Sorry Lord.

   I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'

   No matter how old you are, how stiff, how brittle,you can always still put your foot in your mouth!!!

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams. However, Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.