Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new poll found 44 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track, and the rest think JFK is still president.

   I wonder if you carpeted the sidewalks to cover all the cracks, if that would save all the mothers out there from paralyzation.

   FML! Met this hot guy at a bar last night.... All I can say is they weren't magically delicious.

   Alcohol is the worst thing in the world... My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying - "I love you" to his Own Wife !!!

   When Mitt becomes President put this as your status...MITT HAPPENS.

   So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?

   Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

   Relax........Let's get back to the important things in life! Like stealing eachothers status!

   My buddy ordered some Olympic condoms online - he told his wife he wanted to wear a gold one, but his wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change.

   Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the sh*t out you now.

   I hope you step on a lego!

   They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.

   I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

   These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one.

   We stick together like the pages in a porn magazine.

   Dear Men, Life without Women, would literally be a pain in the as*.

   Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.

   Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.

   B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.

   A Blonde was asked what her password was and she said ''MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento''....When asked why such a long password she replied ''Well Hello! It has 8 characters and at least one Capital!!''