Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

   Freckles are marks for every time you disappoint Jesus

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison

   One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!

   Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   I wonder if a Jedi can do a Jedi mind trick on himself to over-come a phobia.

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I'm writing a sympathy card.

   If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   I have a feeling that If I were to be sorted by the sorting hat at hogwarts, I'd be directly sent to the kitchens to work with the house elves.

   What if Pitbull hasn't really slept with all those girls and he is just bragging?

   I thought of quitting smoking. But all those smoke rings I make from cigarette puffs are so adorable!

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I decided to leave the paperboy a tip! I left some at the end of the driveway, in the bushes,by the sprinkler, everywhere but my at my front door!!!