Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the sh*t out you now.

   I hope you step on a lego!

   They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.

   I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

   These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one.

   We stick together like the pages in a porn magazine.

   Dear Men, Life without Women, would literally be a pain in the as*.

   Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.

   Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.

   B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.

   A Blonde was asked what her password was and she said ''MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento''....When asked why such a long password she replied ''Well Hello! It has 8 characters and at least one Capital!!''

   What's the difference between a joke and three c**ks? The girl we met last night couldn't take a joke.

   Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.

   My c**k was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

   Some people's idea of living dangerously is watching p0rn with the volume on.

   Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".