Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a bunch of money on toilet paper by shaving my a$$hole.

   I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It would be cool if Chick-Fil-A replaced the muppet toys with boy scout action figures.......

   Am I the only one who's never seen a pizza delivery girl??

   “I never said she stole my money” has 7 different meanings depending on the word you stress...

   If you have to give me CPR and your breath stinks just let me die.

   If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.

   Shout out to all the girls who's tittiez look like they have been left in water too long

   16 and pregnant? how about 18 and graduated!

   Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.

   I can make a better duckface with my a$$hole.

   Big ass sunglasses do a pretty good job of hiding the ugly.

   It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.

   I hope they have enough wall plugs in hell.

   "Listen to the sound of my voice...you're getting very sleepy...the economy is great...I alone fixed it...you will vote for me...on the count of 3 wake up" - Obama

   I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

   Freckles are marks for every time you disappoint Jesus

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison