Funny Status Messages

   When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

   Those opening ceremonies were so lame that...no to call it lame would be a compliment.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   This chick got mad at me one time because that's what they do.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   I'm just a guy searching for love and someone to bang the hell out of.

   Rather than wasting time preparing to go to heaven when you die, how about joining us in celebrating and enjoying life here on earth.

   Won a gold medal in the brolympics tonight for hooking up with the fat friend.

   I've never stolen a kiss, but I've paid for a relationship.

   My house is like a casino. There are free drinks, no clocks, and lots of skimpy outfits. Now who wants to play slots?

   My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the "Booby trap"

   Caster Simenya's moustache is bigger than mine. I wonder what else of her's is bigger than mine.

   so my son stayed up until 11 last night watching a movie with us and he still got up at 6:45am... hmmm, next time use vodka in his juice maybe? Hey, I just drugged you, this is crazy, but here's a pillow, sleep in maybe?!?!?!

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.

   I was born at a very early age.

   Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.

   "Dude I wasn't that drunk".... "Dude you started watching the Twilight Trilogy"