Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   Welcome to the United States...Here is your crack and handgun.....Welcome to Canada....here's your beer and hockey stick

   To the wonderful staff at Walgreens....Thanks for the bathroom key and I am deeply deeply sincerely sorry

   I wish I was a pirate, so I could explain why I swashbuckle.

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   just seen an illegal mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. talk about alien vs predator

   Okay Canadians you win... When you convert Fahrenheit to Celsius, it's only 46.6 here in the states.

   Hey I just met you and this might seem crazy but give me good head and don't be lazy

   remember when you were a child, you used to blow bubbles? well he's back in town

   Gloria,,, Sometimes I still panic knowing that the rhythm is going to get me.

   Sometimes,,,, I don't like it at the grown-ups table.

   I don't like to boast,, So I don't....... I'm probably the best at not boasting,, Actually... The very best.

   The only thing that should be seperated by color is laundry♥

   Rest In Peace Sherman Hemsley aka George Jefferson.. You're differently moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.