Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen I'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings...I'm a drunk we go to parties!

   Nothing says ''I'm a fat a$$ like wearing a T-shirt in the pool!

   When you break something at the store and nervously walk away!

   I decorated my bedroom to look like a classroom so I can fall asleep faster!

   I'm sex..unattractive and I know it!

   It's not flirting it's being extra nice to someone extra attractive!

   I heard India is going to outsource Electrical Grids from the US !

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" ~~ the Working Title of my new Childrens book, probably....

   so....I just got a Booty Call from Life....apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.... :(

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."

   Just realize its XXX Olympics. Why aren't the people naked when they get their medals??

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   India's population before the blackout was 1.2 Billion....After the blacout its supposed to gorow by another 300 million:)

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Ladies, we men don't ask for much. We're very simple beings. All we want is food, sex, money, and silence. Feed Me, Fu¢k Me, Pay Me, & STFU. That's all!

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady