Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.

   if you don't like the way you were born, then try being born again

   I think my yogurt went bad. I just saw it in the parking lot leaning against a Camaro & smoking a cigarette.

   If any woman says "I love you" to me for the first time, then I have the right to say "Do you have evidence to support that statement?"

   I was so excited when I learned that Rosie O'Donnell had a Heart Attack...then I found out she was still alive.

   Your relationship ended. Not your life -_-

   Might have to break down and start wearing condoms. My crabs were just diagnosed with herpes.

   Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.

   Am I the only one that didn't know that Phyllis Diller was alive up to about an hour ago???

   Let me put things into perspective for you....persp(things)ective....​you're welcome!

   If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

   You know its going to be a bad week when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them

   Or your a photographer now.. Where'd you go Instagram University?

   Hoping to see some eyes come peepin around the camera's lens on Curiosity. Or at least a gnarled 3 fingered claw....

   I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass

   Heard they let some women into that fancy Augusta golf course. There is no shame in that. This is America, nobody likes a sausagefest.

   don't go broke trying to look rich... act your 'wage'

   I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn!

   Sometimes when I am filling up my car with gas, I like to take the antenna off the car challenge the person at the next pump over to a f@#king sword fight.