Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   When a married couple stops having sex, at first they complain about it...but after awhile y'all get used to it. She walks out of the shower and you don't even look...because you know there is nothing there for you.

   If Facebook were an Olympic sport i'd be on the cover of a Wheatie's box.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Facebook, that's cheating. You gotta start from Myspace —-> Twitter —-> Facebook. Just like everybody else.

   Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!

   America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.

   Damn! Freddie Mercury has never looked better!!

   Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.

   dear super bowl halftime organizers. You watching the Olympics??

   They ignore you now, but they'll need you later.

   That feeling when you get annoyed of texting the same people everyday.

   Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Whenever God closes a door,, he usually pushes me out of a window..

   If the plural for goose is geese, why isn't the plural for moose meese?

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   Why is it when you barely miss a 30 foot putt and everyone says it's a good putt? You make a 30 footer and everyone says it was luck…