Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much cocaine is 2 much? Do you think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??

   I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

   Suicide bombers invented blow jobs.

   Never underestimate the huge power of a sincere smile and a beautiful gun to your face.

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.

   The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.

   I've decided that I want to die from a severe Pizza Overdose.

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   I thought period sex was when you dressed up in colonial clothing and got your freak on.

   I'd vote for Darth Vader if I knew he could fix the economy.

   I pick my nose like it's going to make me a sandwich afterward.

   Yes dear I can put your keys in my handbag. Yes and your wallet dear. Oh sure your phone too. You sure you don't want a handbag for yourself

   I need a safe word to protect myself during masturbation.

   So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he'd just be practicing.

   If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.

   I pick my nose when I drive. Get over it or I'll flick the booger at your car

   hope the USA lands another toy car on a planet this weekend to cover up the humilating 6th place in the Paralympics

   Just saw Styx at the County Fair....Wow,  if you gave them machine guns they could double as the Euro-Villans  from Die hard....

   So she told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know the cashier meant my credit card?

   Sometimes I don't understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!