Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just inadvertently murdered two snails in front of what I can only assume was their son. As a result, I may have just created the snail equivalent of the batman.

   I would never shut up if I had a British accent.

    Coffee (n.): a magical substance that turns "leave me alone, or die!" into "good morning people of the world".

   I only fall for women that are cold, damaged and empty inside. That way I don't get accused of up a good thing.

   You know its true love when she makes you wanna stop deleting your browser history.

   Today is the sixth of September, also known as 6/9. A calendar somewhere must be having fun right now.

   Speaking in a reasonable voice doesn't make your argument reasonable.

   You can't control random.

   What appears to be an inherent characteristic applicable to all human beings is the unfathomable tendency to resort to choosing that which they know is inadvertently the worst for them.

   Next person that talks politics with me I'm kicking in the crotch. I don't care if they elect a pineapple into office. It's all one big game anyway.

   What you do when people sing happy birthday to you: 5% - Sing. 10% - Smile. 85% - Sit there like a dumbf#ck trying to figure out what to do.

   ❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Helping Mario get his biatch Peach back!

   I was wrong about two things about our first NFL game: The Giants winning and the Cowboys losing...

   Vanilla Ice wasn't as terrible as he's been made out to be... He's just had a bad rap.

   If my "check engine" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it.

   My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives

   David Wilson coughs up more balls then Kim Kardashian at a Kanye show.

   Time to turn this beer into urine...

   I know it's only air and all, but if pushed too hard, a fart can actually hurt!

   Saying you'll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it's not important.