Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would probably buy the iPhone5 if it kept me from drunk dialing my exes.

   An apple fan walks into a bar.. Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more..

   inventing an inflatable dartboard

   Britney Spears looks so old and ugly...yikes!

   What's the ex's new boyfriend like? Well, he's the kind of guy who drives around in a convertible, but never puts the top down.

   what the heck is a honey boo boo???

   Worst part about having an iPhone or any other smart phone for that matter is when you get mad you can't slam the phone

   I love the stick figure family's on your car windows they let me know how many garbage bags to bring to the murder.

   My ideal job would be "Guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks."

   If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.

   If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....