Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   If you're male and you own a chihuahua, I have some important news for you: The armed forces now accept hom0sexuals, unconditionally.

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

   I suppose the Australians have never started a trend in real life, so why not just let them have their fun..

   I hate how my husband has to eat food every day.

   People who like their jobs probably don't think oral sex is necessary either.

   I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.

   Don't even try to play mind games on those with a sharper mind than you.

   The best part about getting older is vaguely remembering all the sex you had when you were younger.

   Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

   Your wise words bring out your stupidity.

   I love it when she's hot for me, or just hot for someone and I happen to be there.

   You can love your country without having to love your government.

   i used to think meatballs were cow testicals when I was little

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   All Samsung Officials are withdrawing their children from English medium schools because the first thing they were taught was "A for Apple"

   Now that the iPhone 5 is out, I'm starting to wonder if whether 2 kidneys are really all that necessary..

   After exercising I always eat a Pizza. Just Kidding, I don't exercise !!