Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whenever I see that the cart boy is fat I scatter the carts all over the lot to help them out

   This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past.

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   I want a decent man who chokes me just enough in bed that both excites and worries me all at the same time.

   This bourbon needs more cocaine

   And Jesus said unto the woman, "Your face alone shall be used as birth control." - Luke 4:14

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   Sometimes I watch videos of guys jerking off to compare techniques.

   I always make sure to pee on myself in the bathtub just incase I get stung by a jellyfish

   This waitress just told me she was an actress. Based on her horrid impersonation of a waitress, it's not surprising she's still a waitress

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   Okay I'll stop. But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.

   It's probably tough being black these days, having to memorize all those handshakes

   I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.

   Please FFS I have no interest in knowing what your tattoo means.

   How about at least a little wave to thank me for not killing you, pedestrians?!

   Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple

   Was not impressed by iPhone 5 which just made me realize how important Steve Job was to Apple No thanks I am quite content with my 4s

   Me: Glad, I am very happy today. Life: lol!! one second :P