Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   Man with athletic tongue make broad jump.

   If everything seems to be going well....... you have obviously overlooked something.

   be glad ur not a smurf....they have blue balls 24/7

   It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.

   Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.

   I don't have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is retarded. Every time you sharpen it: "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs"

   If I forget my iPhone when going to the bathroom, I don't care if its the directions on toothpaste, I'm reading it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   The woman who invented the phrase "All guys are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.

   I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

   Maybe if women would quit playing games they'd worry less about competition.

   "It's not a contest." - losers

   The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.

   Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.