Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Over time you start noticing that some people just aren't worth it anymore.

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

   The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.

   Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome

   Dear kids TV networks: if you want more kids to watch, just show the inside of a pantry or fridge…

   i think my teachers were lies ....they said "A for Apple".....the iphone just keeps repeating itself

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.

   "My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!"

   "WARNING"..This Status may be copied for quality and training purposes

   I spent $100 at the grocery store and there still isn't anything to eat in my house

   At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...

   The more broken you are, the stronger you'll be once you're fixed.

   had to take my cat to the vet. She's not feline well…

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   I can't take a 5 hour energy. It'd either eff up my nap or my bedtime…

   My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right…

   The 2011 MLS MVP is out for the season. I have no idea who he is. Hell, I don't even know what the MLS is…

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?