Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Political opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and no one wants to hear it.

   The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?

   Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassador of sanitary pads.

   Kurt Cobain shot himself one month after Justin Bieber was born.

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   Fun word of the day... Tittysprinkles!!!

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said...

   Keep NFL Straight Footballl!!!!

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   being home all day with my kids don't affect me at all. Now let me go tinkle on the potty before we go bye-bye to din-din I'm so hun-gee!

   Didn't Paul Ryan play the part of Eddie Munster ?

   Those people that put up Halloween decorations way too early deserve it when they blow away in the wind today.

   It's funny when girl's think guys are hanging with you, just to be "friends" haha

   I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.

   You know you're drunk when you swerve to miss a tree and it's the air freshener in your car!!!!

   Zombies are dropping dead all over Washington, and other state capitals. Reports by foxnews say they are starving to death, due to no significant brain tissue in these areas!!!

   They will take you for granted as long as they know you will always take them back.

   Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.