Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

   BREAKING NEWS: Apple sues Apple, because the iPhone 5 looks exactly like the previously release iPhone 4....

   This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes”

   i just saw snooki!!! oh wait it was Dani Da vito

   What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.

   Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."

   After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted... The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   drinking box wine, eating macaroni and watching p0rn

   I love cats! They taste just like chicken

   whenever I see that the cart boy is fat I scatter the carts all over the lot to help them out

   This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past.

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   I want a decent man who chokes me just enough in bed that both excites and worries me all at the same time.

   This bourbon needs more cocaine

   And Jesus said unto the woman, "Your face alone shall be used as birth control." - Luke 4:14

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   Sometimes I watch videos of guys jerking off to compare techniques.

   I always make sure to pee on myself in the bathtub just incase I get stung by a jellyfish