Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before we jump all over him, are we sure Romney wasn't counting himself as one of the 47% of Americans who don't pay taxes?

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

   80% of people reading this will not find the the mistake in this A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.

   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

   Life is a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and pop-ups.

   With their recent driving records Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are giving new meaning to the old phrase "Star-Struck"

   I'm so broke, my bologna don't have a first name!

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   If you come up to me and talk like a pirate today, tomorrow will be " National Spit On A Person Who Celebrated 'National Talk Like A Pirate Day' Day"...

   My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...

   Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   The wierd moment when you scroll through someones timeline history and they get skinnier...

   Wanting what I'll never have is my way of insuring that I'm always miserable.

   I need to get a refund for my "DO NOT ARREST THIS MAN" t-shirt.

   The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.

   Baby, let's stay up late and make mix tapes.

   I am so tired of doing things with other women that aren't you.