Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nicki Minaj judging singers on "American Idol" makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney judging a drag queen contest in West Hollywood.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder....

   The moment you understand the value of life, is the moment you die.

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   Heck with the 7 Dwarfs, I have: "Not me"; "Don't know"; "Wasn't Home"; "Not Mine"; "Didn't use it last"; "Haven't Seen it" & "I'm Not Doing It!" living with me

   "Whats the fastest way to make a woman pick cotton?" "Set the string on fire!"

   Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.

   I bet people who still wear watches are also the same people who still call radio stations requesting songs.

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   "Morning sex" is more efficient than coffee when trying to wake up and stay awake throughout the day

   I have a bad case of the mondays only it's everyday and it's called existence.

   It pisses me off when a woman takes up space with her stroller on the bus. I mean, where am I supposed to put my mountain bike?

   Every time you start thinking of your dog as human, they do something like eat poop. Then you think of them as German humans.

   I'll pretty much sleep with anyone on the first date if their emails have good spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

   Just remembered I still have a game of hide and seek going on from the forth grade... I hope he's okay!?