Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

   When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you're seeing somebody else!” and run crying.

   I love it when a beautiful woman is also intelligent. Makes spanking her ass bright red that much more rewarding for both of us.

   Love is when she throats you so deep she throws up on you, composes herself, then keeps going. She only regrets she had to stop for a moment.

   Finished watching The Little Mermaid with my daughter. I believe it taught us all a valuable lesson. Men will fall in love with women if they can't talk.

   Yes, I just made a typo, deleted the update, updated it again with another typo, then sent out this update to blame the whole thing on weed.

   How was I supposed to know she was ugly? She had boobs.

   Fun fact: the male eye has an ability to slow actual time when a titty pops out within it's sight. It's science.

   Why do American's make lousy dog walkers ? ..... They can't hold on to a Lead !

   When your ex says "you'll never find someone like me" say "that's the point"

   When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But when you're sad, you understand the lyrics

   i dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont even drink coffee. I do pills so its way different.

   Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.

   Tried submitting the 49ers vs Jets game to pornhub, but they don't allow r@pe

   went on a 9th date with a girl, we watched Batman. so far its been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMANN!

   no clue what to do without some glue to sniff

   1+1=3 if you don't use a condom.

   bad sex is better than a good day at work!

   I'd marry a woman based on her ability to make gravy...

   Lindsay Lohan was attacked in NYC, but is still alive... Epic. Fail.