Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just wrote my wedding vows, it says, "I'll love & respect you, for fear of the death penalty for murder." Incase anyone wants to propose...

   Ahhh, October. My favorite month, especially all the Halloween booze...

   She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.

   You say "love means never having to say you're sorry" What I hear is that essentially your love is a narcissistic sociopathic minefield.

   I may not be right but I'm a beautiful piece of wrong.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, now your life will be shorter than it was yesterday. Way to waste yesterday, MORON!

   i don't have a bucket list.. but my F$cket list is a mile long

   Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."

   if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care..

   Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.

   Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.

   This man needs to change. I'll whine and moan at him until he does. That'll work - Women

   I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.

   Truthful Tuesday: I used to be "that b itch from accounting".

   It hurts when you touch it, I think you should lick it instead.

   If I was a spider, I'd build my webs on a starving African child's face. Hello, all-u-can-eat fly buffet!