Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?

   Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.

   The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.

   I like picking fights with myself simply because the make-up masturbation is sooo good.

   If you're a grown ass man, and I can see your gum when you chew it, you get throat punched. Grandma's rules, sorry.

   If ladies were labeled heroes instead of sluts for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone screwed up here.

   Spooning For girls: A nice, warm and cozy cuddle. Spooning For guys: A dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward erection you can't do anything about.

   You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.

   There comes a time when it's just time to come.

   Can I come over and mess up your hair and makeup?

   I surely believe in Hate at first sight for no reason !!

   I'm glad the real referees are back... my fantasy ref team has really suffered.

   Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery.

   I knew a girl in college here nickname was T-Ball - if you got up, you would never strike out.

   People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.

   I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.