Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....

   There's a difference between being tan, and looking like you've just been beaten with a bag of Cheetos.

   I have been considering spending $100 on a toilet brush. I think I need to gain some perspective as s hit doesn't deserve that much pampering.

   No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.

   Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I get jealous when my stalker stalks some one else!

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   Can you add sexual favors to an Amazon wish list?

   I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.

   The Human Brain is remarkable. It is the worlds most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally it forgets all that, like just now, when I went to scratch my eye and punched myself in the face instead.

   I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

   My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   I'll pretend to find you funny if you pretend to like me.

   Why are all the best stress relievers illegal? A little bit of murder would work wonders right now.