Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.

   Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.

   [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   She is so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isnt a judgemental cu$t like you..

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   When I'm in the shower I let the water run down my arms so it looks like I'm shooting water out of my fingertips

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster

   Never forget to love your family.. because when everyone is in and out of your life, family is always there

   I wonder if they had put "Osama bin Laden gave his Life to Christ at a Early Age.." on his Obituary like they do other Criminals?

   I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

   asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!

   So there's a t.v. show called, It's Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted

   I wish he had a heart so I could break it!! Stupid MF

   not hiding in the closet eating cupcakes....nom..nom nom

   I like my coffee the same as my women. Black and sweet and ready to be creamed in.

   I like my coffee the same way I like my men!! Rich, warm and can keep me up all night long ;)

   it too much to ask for a COFFEE only line at Tim Hortons? Wake up and smell the coffee Tim!!