Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy couples are annoying and disgusting, I hope me and my girlfriend never get happy.

   It's no coincidence that you have never seen a hunger strike for the legalization of marijuana.

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.

   If I can buy magnum condoms with a straight face, I can beat any polygraph test.

   Sorry if I hit a nerve, I was aiming for your jugular.

   Obviously there's a hole in this wine glass.

   I should at some point in my life learn to cook for one..I only know how to cook for ten or more..spaghetti anyone?

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

   I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   .... Tonight I went to a gunfight and the BET Awards broke out......

   gun fired at the BET awards...dont they listen to rap music & realize the rappers have guns....try a metal detector at next year's award show

   BET AWARDS MAYHEM - this happens every time these people get together. No, I don't mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ''artists''.

   A gunfight broke out at the BET Awards and yet some people still don't believe in stereotyping…

   Cheerleading was invented when some girl got mad because everyone was watching men…

   it would be really hard to read something Yoda wrote if he was also dyslexic

   I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC anymore.