Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see someone driving a Kia, I give them lots of room as I can tell they make poor decisions…

   "Yes, black guys. We feel you." - fat white girls

   Heard a song by Stevie Wonder on the radio. My wife said "I'd like to see Stevie". I replied "He would, too."

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   After watching this horror movie, I have realised my a$$hole indeed does have a heartbeat.

   If at first you don't succeed, reward yourself with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cake.

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..

   Silence is always better than a crappy joke.

   “You're not going to find a wife with your shirt untucked!” - An excerpt from my forthcoming book, ‘Think Like A Mom'

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck.

   I sure am hungry. I wonder if Chili's has an app for that??

   I'm not the grammar police, but I never realized just how stupid some of my friends are until FB...

   I don't know why any sensible guy would even want a skinny chick. Clearly they're no good at making sandwiches.

   I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle.

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   BABY MAMA has replaced the word "WIFE"

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.