Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After watching this horror movie, I have realised my a$$hole indeed does have a heartbeat.

   If at first you don't succeed, reward yourself with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cake.

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..

   Silence is always better than a crappy joke.

   “You're not going to find a wife with your shirt untucked!” - An excerpt from my forthcoming book, ‘Think Like A Mom'

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck.

   I sure am hungry. I wonder if Chili's has an app for that??

   I'm not the grammar police, but I never realized just how stupid some of my friends are until FB...

   I don't know why any sensible guy would even want a skinny chick. Clearly they're no good at making sandwiches.

   I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle.

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   BABY MAMA has replaced the word "WIFE"

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   The first rule of Women's Fight Club is: We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it and never let you forget it, A$$hole.

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   • The first time, it's an accident... But the next time someone throws an egg McMuffin out the window and hits my car on the highway, I'm going to put them in the wall.