Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This guy behind me in the security line is looking at me like that fart was mine for sure

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   Sorry I'm late, boss. I had vodka for dinner.

   Whenever I see someone crossing the street, I swear I can hear them say 'You don't have the balls to floor it.'

   You ever fart so loud that your ex-girlfriend calls you to see how you're doing?

   Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.

   There are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on !

   Breaking News: 36% of Witches are indicating it is cold out.....

   nothing screams sellout more than being an adult in Taylor Swift's band...

   Dear fucktards at baseball games in football team gear. It doesn't count; you look like you're lost…

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

   Since nobody will admit to it, my son is the only proof that I've actually had sex.

   Getting married has nothing to do with the wedding.

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He's pissed but said he'll be back with my speeding ticket.