Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's like my dad always said, "Don't call me Dad."

   As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God

   I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.

   If Obama was Pepsi and Romney was Coca-Cola, then I would definitely drink water or tea.

   Harry Potter and the Soul Crushing Responsibility of Adulthood.

   when I was little not only did I have to walk to school..my dad would drive by and flip me off.

   I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.

   Coworker invited me to lunch which is hilarious because I've never had a job in my life.

   At any given moment there's at least 7 to 13 ninja's in your house.

   My wife just left the room to go fart. Thirteen years together and we're still not there yet.

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.

   I love pissing off a few hundred people before I go to bed. Waking up to a phone full of hate is the best way to start the day. <3

   If she hears a noise in the middle of the night, you get up and check that shi t like a man if you want your balls sucked instead of punched.

   any shirt can be a dress when your dad doesn't love you.

   Joe Biden's teeth are so white , they'll probably vote for Romney .

   This guy behind me in the security line is looking at me like that fart was mine for sure

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   Sorry I'm late, boss. I had vodka for dinner.

   Whenever I see someone crossing the street, I swear I can hear them say 'You don't have the balls to floor it.'