Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.

   To all the faatt h oezss that only take pics from the neck up .... good try but I'm a master a detecting hippos

   Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.

   Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.

   At the movies now... Frankenweenie, Fun Size, and Here Comes the Boom. Sounds like a typical weekend in college.

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   I went to the store today to stock up on bread, beer, and Captain Morgan just in case Hurricane Sandy decides to double back to NC..... Always good to be prepared...

   The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City... Trump better get out the hairspray.

   Hey Bill, do you talk to your wife during sex..."Only if there is a phone handy!!"