Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm allowed to punch obnoxious girls since I'm g@y, right?

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   I believe she prefers to be called Hurricane Sandra, until she blows you then you may call her Sandy.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   My whole life flashes in front of me when I hear the words ‘We need to talk'.

   Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an a$$hole.

   I passed out on the sidewalk, because a jeep full of douchebags, wearing too much Axe Body spray just went by.

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home. Oops!

   U.S met office issues a stark warning that Hurricane Sandy has been upgraded to a British Summer

   I think whoever names the hurricanes should start using villain names, how cool would Hurricane Vader sound?

   How many shares of fb stock do I need to buy before I can block anyone from ever posting about going to the gym again?

   Wonder if they will take as long to clean up new York city as they did new Orleans????????

   just got my newspaper. Apparently, there's a hurricane headed for the east coast...

   I want a Life Alert necklace,,,, but instead of calling an ambulance it orders me a pizza

   It's a dog eat dog world. And I'm wearing Milkbone underwear...

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work