Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking..what if I'm sexy and I don't know it?

   It took me 20 years to figure out that pop tarts taste better in the toaster. It was truly a life changing experience.

   NYC cancelled the marathon. Well if they are already here instead of running why not see who can clean up the fastest

   that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"

   I always stuff the bird on Thanksgiving.

   You look like you would ruin my life. Let's have sex. -women

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   The first time a woman swallowed my stuff, I was so appreciative that I swallowed her bullshi t for the next two years.

   You haven't visited my farm on Facebook. Don't you love me anymore? - Crazy Girlfriend

   Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

   Imagination: because if I we did you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.

   I need more space in my heart for all this pain!

   Its not a coincidence that its always the ugly girls who say they dont need a man.

   You better believe it's true love, if first thing I want to do in morning is kiss you without waiting for you brush your teeth.

   I love you too much to avenge what you did to me.

   I heard there's a new drink bartenders are making, it's called a "Hurricane Sandy", essentially it's just a watered down Manhattan. (too soon?)

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   My heart is saying no but my mind is saying yes. Shhhh, quiet down heart. Let's see where this leads.

   Just a friendly reminder: There's 51 shopping days before Xmas. Of course according to the Mayans, the world will end in 48 days, so you decide…

   Day 2: I am thankful for my Dad not pulling out..Thanks Pops