Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Doctor" is the most distinguished title that sounds like "dog turd."...just an observation, that's all @(ᵕ.ᵕ)@

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Don't worry, ladies. Cellulite goes away when you bend over.

   Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   Just took a dump without my phone. Where do I collect my Nobel Peace Prize?

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different