Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just called me stupid, then said she was going outside to catch some air. Air can neither be seen nor touched, and I'M stupid?

   WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*

   I respect the person who let women into the Army. Woman on period + gun = unstoppable

   *alarm*...*snooze*....*alarm*....*snooze*....*alarm*..*checks time*..."Oh sh*t!"

   When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."

   Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.

   People make me itch!

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.

   God created pollsters to make astrologers look accurate

   This conversation is going nowhere. I thinks it's time I move to the land of Smile and Nod.

   In traffic no one hears you scream.

   I always cry after sex... $400.00 is a lot of money.

   People who say I need to go out more often need to shut up more often

   Well excuse me, I didn't know it wasn't bring a naked midget to work day

   I feel bad for my american friends... they only have 2 idiots to choose from in their elections...50/50 chance of getting it wrong...

   May I call you Pebbles ‘cause you're as dumb as a rock!

   I like girl shaped things.