Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   see ladies, it's easy to get ahead in life. Just marry a surgeon and screw a General...

   I liked Red Dawn the first time I saw it 28 years ago when it was called "Red Dawn".

   If I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be red.

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   Hey, do you have change for a $20? $20's are change, bro.

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

   man who stands on toilet is high on pot!!

   ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pkg of gum?

   I'm so lazy, I don't walk away from the troubles in my life, I just go to sleep.

   I'm going to take a picture of my middle finger and have copies passed out at my funeral as a last Screw you.

   rolling pennies again!!

   Girls, it is OKAY to admit another girl is pretty. It won't kill you.

   wondering if running late counts as exercise?

   I probably shouldn't be so good at singing the girl parts to songs.

   time is precious...waste it wisely!!

   My internet addiction is getting alt of ctrl

   and the general privates stood at attention......