Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Am I the only one in Crocks?

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...

   It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down... █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

   Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.

   Well I just broke up with my girlfriend 'cause I'm engaged now.

   Ladies; I am the kind of guy who, when I see you out on a romantic walk with your man holding hands, I will probably hold your other hand.

   Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real

   Sext: 'Ride me harder, baby. Harder' Me: 'I'M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?'

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

   My wife likes to whisper in my ear during intimacy. Things like,"Did you remember to record Grey's Anatomy?"

   News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

   Video killed the radio star and the union killed Twinkies!

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury