Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

   Some people say “If you can't beat them, join them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   Nothing irritates me more as when I step on some melted snow with a fresh, dry and clean pair of socks on.

   I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting

   fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   a kid gets hurt in a bounce house every 46 minutes so I only let mine play for 45 minutes...

   Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks hasn't met my dog. I told him to play dead and after 5 straight day's he's still going strong...

   I would lose weight, but I hate losing

   The evil that men do is nothing compared to the evil that women will spend an entire lifetime plotting.

   It should be called a vaninja since I never see it.

   Just wrote ‘You have no new messages' on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.

   A woman who can make her man accompany her to the mall for shopping when there is a football match on TV probably don't give blow jobs either.

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   The main thing I've discovered about facebook is...there are lots of b0ring people out there.