Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president. 
Young lady, what's your blood type? "Uh, fahv nine, paints on da groun....gold toofs...and his hands on his nut$!"
Know what I going to Buy to My MAYAN friend for Christmas.
it still a disorder if I only cut other people?
Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend. Lets all reflect on my life together.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Some people say “If you can't beat them, join them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Nothing irritates me more as when I step on some melted snow with a fresh, dry and clean pair of socks on.
I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting
fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
a kid gets hurt in a bounce house every 46 minutes so I only let mine play for 45 minutes...
Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks hasn't met my dog. I told him to play dead and after 5 straight day's he's still going strong...
I would lose weight, but I hate losing
The evil that men do is nothing compared to the evil that women will spend an entire lifetime plotting.
It should be called a vaninja since I never see it.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages' on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
A woman who can make her man accompany her to the mall for shopping when there is a football match on TV probably don't give blow jobs either. 