Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looking for a meaningful overnight relationship!

   My favorite Black Friday tradition is watching the day's Walmart tramplings on the evening news.

   The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking

   Seriously Justin Bieber clean sweeps the American Awards? I have lost faith in all American voting systems.

   If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.

   First it was the infamous bus driver uppercut. Again another bus driver, gets into an altercation with another young girl, this time over loud music. Good idea for a game consult?

   I kinda wish I was sober enough to remember what really happened. One moment we was having fun, the next thing I knew, its Monday and I'm getting emails..... R.I.P - Saturday & Sunday

   so I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more...

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   Twilight won the Teen Choice Awards, Justin Bieber won the Best New Artist Award and now Twinkies are now longer being made... What is this world coming too? Smh

   Single White Female, 29, into moshing, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   .Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer.

   my Gwinnett county detention center uniform looks better than the rags the steelers are wearing tonight.

   Lincoln may be doing well in the theatre today, but that wasn't always the case.

   Drunk people are the only honest ones left.

   So they legalize marijuana and then get rid of Twinkies? Is our government playing some kind of cruel joke on us?

   34 days until the world ends. LETS GOOO