Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....

   if he or she cheats on him or her with you than he or she is going to cheat on you .

   I dont talk to strangers because they might do something awful... like sell me something!

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…

   Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.

   still waiting for dane cook to makr a joke about tragedy

   i deserve an alcoholiday

   this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people...

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   or should I say when our we our we gonna protect our schools like we protect our banks and government offices

   how many schools are going to get shot up before we as parents decide to start arming our teachers!

   if someone going to kill, they would purchase a gun no mater what laws were in place..

   In over 75% of mass shootings in the states the shooters obtained their weapons legally. You can't regulate insanity, but you can regulate guns.

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?