Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)

   ROTFLSHIDMEN = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Dropped My Egg Nog.

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   Heading into Wal-mart on Christmas Eve. If I don't make it out alive, I just want to say it has been great knowing you all.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   It would probably make more Sense if they did our taxes 2 mths before christmas that way we can actually afford christmas.

   last minute stocking stuffer gift idea... knee-pads for the wife!

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ