Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fire can be a faithful servant, like when cooking S'mores or raining down on 'Charlie'... ~~ Seymour Skinner

   so, Congress has known about this "fiscal cliff" situation for 2 years now and all of a sudden it's a crisis???

   Arguing with strangers on the internet is like the Special Olympics. You might win, but you're still retarded! :)

   I liked Seth Rogan better when he was George Costanza...

   Turning over a new LEAF doesn't mean I've changed~I'm still the same TREE~Jus using different branches to feel the sunshine in life~I've had enough of the shade

   Don't judge me for being materialistic until you've walked a mile in my fantastic Gucci suede shoes.

   Just got a new computer with 24" monitors at work! Sweet, now I can goof around in HD!

   Racism isn't about skin color. It's about behaving like an orangutan amped up on bath salts.

   You know you had lack of sleep when you go to put a hot dog bun in the toaster instead of a bagel ..

   If people could read my mind I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.

   Well then you'll never be the girl your father is.

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   Ok, Christmas lights are up and ready for next year.

   Okay, who is the jerk that decided to stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   This woman blowing me at the glory hole forgot to shave.

   Reading the bible doesn't mean diddly squat if you are gonna go ahead and misinterpret it.

   Why would two people admit they like each other when they can spend time playing "Let's see who texts the other person first" instead.