Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've seen over 10 ladies whose New Year's Resolutions include “Loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

   My New Year's resolution is to take up a new hobby: Jogging. Hopefully that doesn't interfere with my other hobby, which is Lying.

   New Word: "Shoepidity"… the act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.

   I dont know why when I'm online I just gravitate towards Facebook. The computer, the internet/ service, or the Ipad are just useless and pointless with out checking my newsfeed.

   so these two Myans walk into a bar...oh...too late?

   what's the plural for' "I ran over your cat"?

   RIP 2012 (2012-2012)

   So TD Bank is marketing 'free pens' as a way to attract new clients......what!?!? no chained pens? Will see how long that will last when school starts.

   Kim Kardashian is 32 & she's pregnant, but y'all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy.. & y'all calling her a s?ut? PLEASE, have a seat.

   'The Hangover' playing over & over on TV. Well played TBS

   Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday…

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   AACK! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1996. Ohhhh it is ON!

   Im gonna try to lose weight with this new chinese diet, eat all you can... using one chopstick

   Took out my Christmas tree to curb and dropped needles like a heroin addict in NY all over over floor. .

   Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.

   I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

   Since I'm so good at failing to fullfill my resolutions, this year my resolutions are to be unhealthy, avoid the gym, pay my bills late and have more sex with ugly girls.