Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning!!! According to the Surgeon General: When women consume alcohol, it impairs their ability to say “no”! So.... who's buying me a drink?

   Hold on Kanye, Imma let you finish, but first, Jay Z and Beyonce have already had the greatest baby of ALL TIME!

   So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?

   According to my Nike Fuelband, I've just masturbated for 4 miles.

   Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.

   If I was Asian, my name would be Jet Lag....because I'm tired all the time!

   anyone who says "I hate to break it to you", can't f#$^ing wait to break it to you.

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   I heard Kanye West announced that he and Kim Kardashian are expecting a child. My sincere condolences to the child.

   Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!

   I would walk over Legos for you.

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.

   I love you but I'm too lazy to show it.

   From the creator of ‘'I Like You As A Friend'' and ‘'I Love You Like A Brother'' comes in 3D ‘'I Don't Know How To Tell You You're Ugly''

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   No pants are the best pants.

   I almost got into a car accident, but luckily no one saw me hit the other car

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.

   I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem