Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WOOHOO! Passed my AIDS test! Got a 74%!

   Damn this brotha is BLACK! Looking like 2:15 in the damn morning!

   A Jehova Witness tried to tell me a "Knock Knock" joke, but got all mad cause I didn't answer him.

   Advice please. I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had “you win” written on it. Do I celebrate with white wine or red?

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   well that's about as frustrating as a Jehovah's Witness trying to tell a knock-knock joke.

   Just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect.You might be a neurotic perfectionist.

   Lord....Please send ALL the morons below me back to school!!

   MDS stand for multiple dumbass syndrome

   God grant me the serenity not to beat the holy living bajeezus out of those who piss me off and the wisdom to know this will make a funny story later.

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause

   Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL.

   It's colder than a tin toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg!

   I love you more than I hate everyone else.

   If I'm at Death's door, I'm going to pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so that he'll never answer it.

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   Accidentally broke the window out of my neighbor's Accord while playing catch with my son and started it with a screwdriver out of habit.