Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Curiosity killed my virginity!

   So John McCririck is suing Channel 4 because he was replaced by the younger Clare Balding. Could have been worse John. You could have been replaced by a woman.

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.

   I seem to be the only one in the whole house who can figure out the toilet paper and how it gets on that retracting stick

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   They say 9 out of 10 women are battered, and here I am still eating mine plain

   since none of the "alledged" steriod users got in the baseball HOF, now may not be the best time to come clean Lance...

   so after 25 years in the Senate, all of a sudden Biden is all about gun control??

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   Someone wrote "REtARd" on my window this morning. . . took me 3 effin hours to lick it clean :-/

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   Future Perfect Present Tense

   When I was a child I used to say, "When I grow up I want to be a millionaire" Well I grew up and the rest is history, now all I say is, "When I die, I want to go to heaven" Hope that actually happens.

   You know a girl has been recently dumped when she post stuff like, “I don't need any love from any man. I only need to love and be loved by ONE man. He is the Son of God, JESUS!”

   Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show.

   I've looked at trash cans that are more attractive than Nicki Minaj.

   What's the situation with Kony in 2013? Do we still hate the guy?