Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   would probably be classified as a lesbian if it was only based on how much you enjoy eating muffins and cookies.

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   adding "euro" before any word immediately makes it sound g ay!

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home"

   I don't think Lance Armstrong's missing ball was ever real... I heard it and Manti Te'o's girlfriend were recently seen on vacation together in Mexico...

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.

   I'm just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   smart and psychopath are like peanut butter and jelly

   We now have cable TV shows entitled, "Cooking With Honey Boo Boo". My life is clearly over..........

   If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

   I always hang a sock on the door knob to let my roommate know I am getting it on with the other sock....

   I just "Al Rokered" myself...........................