Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women just want to be loved and valued for who they really are on the inside, not just for their physical beauty... Claws and all.

   Logic of an ex girlfriend: You where sh*t in bed anyway So why sleep with me for 3 years then?

   My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   a fun afternoon planned. Will be playing "Duck, duck, goose" with actual ducks and geese followed by few games of Chinese Checkers against actual Chinese people.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"

   A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to do his best friend too.

   People are so rude to each other nowadays, that when one is nice and polite, it's considered a marriage proposal.

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.

   If I ever die and find out there is no heaven or hell I am going to be really pissed.

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   Okay "beautiful" girls...be as narcissistic as you wish, yet remember, there was someone named Marilyn Monroe. And I promise you, you do not measure up.

   if Taylor would learn to blow like a good all American girl, she'd never ever ever......have to write another break up song.

   What happens on holiday,stays on holiday. Except for STDs, they will always come back with you

   If you see a white guy in a sombrero passed out in the gutter today please make sure I still have a pulse.

   This Jack n Coke tastes like assault charges.

   If sex is the only basis for your relationship, make sure it's good enough so that you never have to talk.

   Shout out to trees. You shady motherf uckers.