Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   What does a 90 year old virgin's pussa taste like,,,,,Depends

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?

   Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

   you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it.

   G0D has granted me the Midas Touch. So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold. Wha? Oh. Heh heh. No more Cheetos for breakfast.

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public.

   Girls just wanna have funds