Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey mothers who are always telling everyone who cares to listen, "My kids are my life" If your kids are your life how come you hardly spend time with them and are always out clubbing and parting like there is no tomorrow every other day of the week?

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   Religious people are so nice. They're always trying to make travel plans for you.

   Whenever a woman asks "Do I look fat?" my standard response is always, "Hand me my vodka, I mean my glasses"

   Let’s all join hands and remember the Golden Rule of Life: Do not feed the trolls.

   At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. At the touch of beer, everyone becomes a superhero.

   finds it very retarded when someone knocks then when you ask who it is they say'me'.Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked#SeriouslyNow!!!

   "Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance." - Alcohol.

   This girl at the bar said she wanted a man that's fun and spontaneous but got mad when I tickled her...

   vodka is made with potatoes....i have a lot of family who like "health drinks"

   The Boy scouts just announced their new dont drop the soap derby.

   youtube is red, facebook is blue, I'm so lonely with nothing to do

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.

   I'm all for saving the planet, but recycling jokes doesn't help...

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   The state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant now that marajuana has been legalized. That must be one of those green jobs president Obama is always talking about.

   whoever said "Haste makes waste" never watched me eat a pizza!

   I hate it when people throw cigarette butts in urinals... It makes them soggy, and hard to light.

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that